Wondering About Forgiveness

Question:



I'm not sure what to do about forgiving my uncle. A few days ago, my mom, brother, and I went over to a relative's for lunch. Later, my mom mentioned that a certain uncle was supposed to have been there also. I froze in horror for a moment, because I would never have gone if I knew he was going to come. I am dreadfully afraid of this uncle, and I do not want to see him or have contact with him. This is due to things that happened about eight years ago, and events that continue to happen and remind me of that time. There was no physical or sexual abuse, but my uncle did something that was incredibly damaging to me emotionally, though he probably had no idea he was doing it. My parents did not protect me from him when I was young. They did not understand how devastated and terrified I was as well. After another traumatic event with this uncle at a wedding this spring, I finally told my parents about my fear of this uncle. Now that they know, I don't think they would ever force me to be in his presence again. But in harboring these feelings of fear and panic whenever I think of him, and avoiding him for reasons that he does not even know about. Am I being unforgiving? What is the Christian response to this situation? I want to forgive, and yet I know that true forgiveness is not a quick or cheap gift- it was painful for Christ to forgive us through the cross. I believe that forgiveness means really looking at the event, acknowledging the harm done, and then releasing the guilty party from guilt and oneself from anger. How can I go about forgiving this uncle? Can I do that if I am scared of even facing him? And if I forgive him, does that mean I need to go to family functions where he is present? Will forgiving him take away the intense and petrifying fear I feel when I am around him? Could you give me some guidance in how to handle this?



Answer:



You have a very solid view on what forgiveness looks like and it's awesome to see that you're not afraid of forgiving him. Forgiving your uncle for what it is that he did is not done through your focused effort to overcome this difficulty because forgiveness is not something that you have the ability to do in your own self. Jesus said in Mark 9:23 "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." Since you are His child what I believe He wants is for you to be sensitive to being connected to Him as the vine is to the branches as John 15:5 says. John 15:2 shows that as you are connected to Him, HE will do the pruning. He will allow forgiveness to flow through you for your uncle. By all means you have to make the choice to forgive but your ability to forgive comes from being connected to Christ.

Forgiving your uncle has to do with you setting your focus on Christ. He doesn't expect you to do something to earn His forgiveness because He offers it freely to you. As you embrace His forgiveness and His love, He will cast out that fear that has held you frozen (check 2 Timothy 1:7). In Him you can walk freely. Don't try to figure out how it is that He wants you to forgive. Instead focus on Him and allow Him to impart forgiveness and then let Him lead you in how to flesh that out with your uncle.

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